Resentment, Hatred and Guilt

So I'm flying off tomorrow...BACK to the charming city of Istanbul. Am I psyched? No. I'm having this dreadful mixture of resentment, hatred and guilt. My 2 months break in Singapore has indeed been a roller coaster and an emotional turmoil.

Being the product of an Asian parentage in a typically Asian upbringing, my parents weren't exactly pumping their fists in the air when I first told them,"I'm leaving Singapore." Hell, they wouldn't even let me leave home, what more my country! You can imagine it must have been a shock for them as they wondered in their unadventurous and traditional heads,"But why?!"

Needless to say, their jaws were almost on the ground when I first told them I'll be going to Turkey. Turkey? Turkey?! But but but... it's a third world country. No, it's NOT a third world country, it's a developing country. Maybe it sounded crazy to their ears and I can fully understand why. They reasoned that Singapore is a good, modern country and a cosmopolitan world city and why am I giving up the priviledge to live here for a country like.... Turkey. I had a good career, not a job, a career with sparkly promising future and what on earth will I be doing in Turkey? I told dad (to deaf ears of course!) that I wanted to experience life, not be too sheltered in Singapore. I wanted to be independent and adventurous. I wanted to meet people from all walks of life and be worldly. I told mom (to another pair of deaf ears) that Singapore is way too small, suffocating and rigid. Our generation only knows how to talk about money, shopping and branded goods - that is LIFE to them. One can't grow as an individual here coz we've never really experienced life and what the world has to offer.

I remembered taking a long bus ride to Marmaris and suddenly in midst of the journey, I covered my nose, almost gagging at the horrible, offensive stench that filled the bus. "Oh my God, what the hell?!" I exclaimed in my nasal voice and pinched nose. My British gf laughed her head off and said,"It's the fertilizers, babe. You've not lived, my child!" Don't I know.

Now that I'm leaving, I'm faced with endless emotional blackmail. Dad wasn't hesitant to tell me how I'm such an embarrassment to him and how he had to lie to relatives that my previous company sent me to Turkey just coz he didn't want them to know his daughter rebelled against him to leave and see the world. Fascinating. On top of that, I've been called selfish, disrespectful, rebellious and childish. Wow, keep it going dad. He was also 'kind' enough to tell me the only way I'll be satisfied is if I won't be there at my parents' deathbeds. It's amazing how all these cruel words and accusations were thrown at me simply coz I wanna do something in MY life. This makes me even more eager to leave, hurtful as it is.

Endless tears streamed down mom's face every now and then especially when time is nearing for me to leave. I just don't understand why they can't be happy for me. If being proud of me takes the life out of them, I just ask for them to be happy for me. No, that's too impossible a thing to ask. I wondered who the selfish one is since this is MY life that I'm planning for.

I don't understand why typical Asian parents just want their children buried under their armpits. It's not unnatural for children to still live with their parents when they're still single (even if they are in their 30s) in an Asian country. That's why I believe our western counterparts are generally a more confident, independent, worldly, adventurous and risk-taking bunch. I've known of western parents who shooed their children away once they reached 19-20 years of age. Is it because they love them any lesser? NO. It's because they believe in the importance of being independent. It's a way to let their children grow, face hardship and evolve as a more mature and wiser individual after that. My western friends in Istanbul are happily working there and living theirlives to the fullest with the complete blessings of their parents. How I wish I can ever be in their shoes instead of having to feel guilty and bad all the time just coz I wanna chase my happiness and chance in life.

I simply put on a stoic face everytime dad hurls insults at me coz of this issue. He thought I've grown to be so hard-hearted but if words could kill, I would already be sprawled on the floor dying. Still, I don't ever want him to see how affected I am to his words cos of my anger and resentment towards my traditional parents. If I were born a bird, I think they would rip my wings off.

I feel sad that I have to leave without any blessings everytime I fly back to Istanbul. I feel sad that I have to witness them heartbroken and crying in the airport. However I can't deny the surging amount of resentment in me for having born with such a traditional, closed minded upbringing...


(p/s- Dad had to rush off to hospital from work today coz he was in great pain due to his prostate gland. He was discharged and scheduled to see a specialist soon. God help me decide. I'm due to fly tomorrow morning)

Ditch the SINGLISH for gawd's sake!

Lotsa debates have been going on about Singlish. Retain it or ditch it. I'd say the latter. Some Singaporeans argued that ditching Singlish is like ditching our unique identity as a Singaporean. They suddenly turned patriotic and felt so strongly about the issue. Fiery arguments and point of views were made - very passionate indeed. My say? C'mon Singaporeans - WAKE UP! *roll eyes* (Yes, it has to end off with the rolling of the eyes for that added effect)

Those of you who wonder what on earth Singlish is, clearly you've not been to Singapore cos if you've been here, there's no way you'd have missed it!

Singlish is Singapore Colloquial English. One can say it's like a melting pot of various languages like Malay, Chinese, English, Hokkien, Tamil, Cantonese, Teochew etc. See, you can't accuse Singaporeans of the lack of creativity cos to be marrying all these languages into one is indeed something! That also means it can be horribly excrutiating especially to the foreign ears. The only people who can TRULY understand Singlish are, no surprise there, Singaporeans. Anti-social? Maybe. It can also be seen as something that bonds the locals. That extra spice of local flavour. In case ya not too familiar with how Singlish goes, here are some examples:


English: Have you received your results?
Singlish: Eh, you got your results already or not?

English: How can it be?
Singlish: Why like that leh?

English: I don't care!
Singlish: I don't care one!


Those are just basic Singlish, I haven't even include those that are a mixture of Chinese dialects, Malay and Tamil - it's really gonna ruin your head! lol... Yes it's definitely not sexy, I can't imagine a hunk of a guy saying to me," I love you la!"

I'm not TOTALLY dissing Singlish. It has its own charms but really, Singaporeans if you wanna aim high and big in life (life is not equivalent to just your tiny world in Singapore), ditch the Singlish and speak English.

I think some Singaporeans are just too loyal to Singlish coz they can't be bothered to upgrade themselves to learn and use proper English. They take comfort in numbers in their country but I'm afraid we can't take comfort in numbers anymore. Look at the number of foreigners in Singapore. 1 out of 3 people in Singapore is a foreigner. They are mostly from Phillipines, China, Malaysia and Indonesia. I truly apologise if what I'll say is offensive but it's my thought and I can't deny it. Most people from these countries don't speak decent English, some non at all. What on earth will happen to Singapore?? We are a first world country yet so robbed of English education and lo and behold, English is our official and business language. Surprise surprise. The number of western expats in Singapore is also on the rise, do you think they are able to understand our funky Singlish?! Geez, it's a no brainer.

I don't speak excellent Queen's English but I do speak proper English. I can still banter in Singlish with my friends who insist on conversing in it but otherwise I rather speak English anytime. Am I ashamed of being a Singaporean? Hell no. In fact I am proud to be one and I'm proud to show to my fellow foreign friends from Turkey, USA, Britain, Australia and wherever that hey we, Singaporeans can speak proper English and it's about time we stop being associated with the 'lahs' and 'lehs'.

Sleepy in Singapore

I know it's been a while since I last wrote a post here. I frankly have no idea how some bloggers can be sooo disciplined in updating their blogs. I guess some of them received sponsorships and dough from advertisements to make it worth their while but anyways though lotsa things happened to me, I just don't have it in me to be rattling about it here.

I'm in Singapore now and have been since the 20th of August. Hmm... am I happy? Well.. no. I don't know, Singapore still has that same old stranggled effects on me. I still feel so suffocated here, I still don't feel the feeling of liberation.

I still get bored by typical endless conversations of shopping, clubs, latest brands and all those shallow and rather pointless topics. Yea it kinda annoy me at times that conversations here carry no substance nor enlightenment. Now, I'm not saying I'm such a brilliant conversationalist that keeps up to date with all the current affairs. I'M NOT. That's why it appalls me that even someone like me can get bored with all the supposed 'hot' conversation topics that apparently seem quite normal and acceptable here. (I don't wanna talk about things that interest me only to be listened to cos I do think conversation is a TWO way thing.)

I do read news, I do keep abreast of current issues, not so much of the WHOLE WORLD- that's way too depressing/heavy for me at times but mostly of Singapore. It surprises me that some young adults don't and they're still living in their own contented and selfish world, pretty much sheltered in a snow globe. I actually am glad to stay away from Singapore for a while - honestly I don't think I can grow as an individual here. I don't see how being here allows my mind to explore possibilities and challenge impossibilities, to actually be street smart and worldly.

In Istanbul I had the opportunity to socialize with so many different people from different nationalities. Truth be told, I barely have my own personal Turkish friends (language problem mostly plus the local men always tend to be more friendly than the women and I'm NOT interested to befriend Turkish men), most of my friends are fellow foreigners in Istanbul. I felt like I've stepped into another world from my 'snow globe'. I've met people who are younger than me but with such amazing life experiences from all over the world. They are so brainy and eloquent. Makes me feel that I've wasted too much of my youth NOT exploring the world and how it can really change a person's perspective. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to converse with these young people (well I'm not THAT old but hey they're years younger!)cos they seem soooo much more wordly and intelligent than me but at times I feel blessed to receive joy in their company and life stories.

I've 2 and half weeks more to Istanbul. Am I looking forward to it? YES and No. Yes cos it's good to be back there - I miss my friends, my life there and of course to start earning again. No cos mom will start bawling, tearing my heart out at the same time and the fact that winter greets me. News has it that winter in Istanbul this year will be THE WORST EVER IN THOUSAND YEARS. No kidding. Global warming. Our earth is really getting messed up just cos its inhabitants are simply nonchalent about preserving it. So yea, think winter this year's gonna kill me. Last winter was already crap as it is... it was my first winter and no it wasn't fun (except for the snowy bit hehe but hey it only snows few days in Istanbul). I was freezing my ass off, on top of that, cos I wanted to save on the electricity (DAMN EX!), I didn't switch on the main house heater thus being at home wasn't such a warm cozy affair as one would usually imagine. IT WAS HELL! I was shivering and wearing way tooo many clothings and my teeth was chattering with cold. Yup, good luck to me.

Gonna end this one now. Will try to write again tomorrow. Have a good one.



Love;
V