Resentment, Hatred and Guilt

So I'm flying off tomorrow...BACK to the charming city of Istanbul. Am I psyched? No. I'm having this dreadful mixture of resentment, hatred and guilt. My 2 months break in Singapore has indeed been a roller coaster and an emotional turmoil.

Being the product of an Asian parentage in a typically Asian upbringing, my parents weren't exactly pumping their fists in the air when I first told them,"I'm leaving Singapore." Hell, they wouldn't even let me leave home, what more my country! You can imagine it must have been a shock for them as they wondered in their unadventurous and traditional heads,"But why?!"

Needless to say, their jaws were almost on the ground when I first told them I'll be going to Turkey. Turkey? Turkey?! But but but... it's a third world country. No, it's NOT a third world country, it's a developing country. Maybe it sounded crazy to their ears and I can fully understand why. They reasoned that Singapore is a good, modern country and a cosmopolitan world city and why am I giving up the priviledge to live here for a country like.... Turkey. I had a good career, not a job, a career with sparkly promising future and what on earth will I be doing in Turkey? I told dad (to deaf ears of course!) that I wanted to experience life, not be too sheltered in Singapore. I wanted to be independent and adventurous. I wanted to meet people from all walks of life and be worldly. I told mom (to another pair of deaf ears) that Singapore is way too small, suffocating and rigid. Our generation only knows how to talk about money, shopping and branded goods - that is LIFE to them. One can't grow as an individual here coz we've never really experienced life and what the world has to offer.

I remembered taking a long bus ride to Marmaris and suddenly in midst of the journey, I covered my nose, almost gagging at the horrible, offensive stench that filled the bus. "Oh my God, what the hell?!" I exclaimed in my nasal voice and pinched nose. My British gf laughed her head off and said,"It's the fertilizers, babe. You've not lived, my child!" Don't I know.

Now that I'm leaving, I'm faced with endless emotional blackmail. Dad wasn't hesitant to tell me how I'm such an embarrassment to him and how he had to lie to relatives that my previous company sent me to Turkey just coz he didn't want them to know his daughter rebelled against him to leave and see the world. Fascinating. On top of that, I've been called selfish, disrespectful, rebellious and childish. Wow, keep it going dad. He was also 'kind' enough to tell me the only way I'll be satisfied is if I won't be there at my parents' deathbeds. It's amazing how all these cruel words and accusations were thrown at me simply coz I wanna do something in MY life. This makes me even more eager to leave, hurtful as it is.

Endless tears streamed down mom's face every now and then especially when time is nearing for me to leave. I just don't understand why they can't be happy for me. If being proud of me takes the life out of them, I just ask for them to be happy for me. No, that's too impossible a thing to ask. I wondered who the selfish one is since this is MY life that I'm planning for.

I don't understand why typical Asian parents just want their children buried under their armpits. It's not unnatural for children to still live with their parents when they're still single (even if they are in their 30s) in an Asian country. That's why I believe our western counterparts are generally a more confident, independent, worldly, adventurous and risk-taking bunch. I've known of western parents who shooed their children away once they reached 19-20 years of age. Is it because they love them any lesser? NO. It's because they believe in the importance of being independent. It's a way to let their children grow, face hardship and evolve as a more mature and wiser individual after that. My western friends in Istanbul are happily working there and living theirlives to the fullest with the complete blessings of their parents. How I wish I can ever be in their shoes instead of having to feel guilty and bad all the time just coz I wanna chase my happiness and chance in life.

I simply put on a stoic face everytime dad hurls insults at me coz of this issue. He thought I've grown to be so hard-hearted but if words could kill, I would already be sprawled on the floor dying. Still, I don't ever want him to see how affected I am to his words cos of my anger and resentment towards my traditional parents. If I were born a bird, I think they would rip my wings off.

I feel sad that I have to leave without any blessings everytime I fly back to Istanbul. I feel sad that I have to witness them heartbroken and crying in the airport. However I can't deny the surging amount of resentment in me for having born with such a traditional, closed minded upbringing...


(p/s- Dad had to rush off to hospital from work today coz he was in great pain due to his prostate gland. He was discharged and scheduled to see a specialist soon. God help me decide. I'm due to fly tomorrow morning)