My mom passed away but I was lucky to wake up from it...

It's 4+ in the morning now and my eyes are puffy and swollen, from crying too much. Lightning is flashing non stop and the sound of thunder pierce through the silence once in a while. That doesn't help make me feel better.

I can't seem to sleep again. I'm too scared. My eyes feel tired and heavy but I'm still forcing myself to stay awake. Maybe cos I'm scared the nightmare I just had will come true...thus I'm contented to stay awake now... holding on to the moment when I know for sure that it was just a bad dream.

I dreamt I was frantically packing. Packing books and some unnecessary stuff, I recall vaguely. I was doing it under the table. Squatting under the table, just like how I used to when I was a young child.

I can't remember now but someone whom I knew, maybe a family member, was hurrying me telling me our bus was leaving soon (I couldn't be sure but I think the bus was filled with relatives and family members). She said dad was getting agitated and impatient. I've always had a fear of dad since I was a child. He instilled that fear in all of us, not through respect but through FEAR itself. Growing up, I've witnessed the nastiest side of his temper and I've seen with my eyes and have experienced first hand what anger can do to a man and how it can make his own flesh and blood resent him for life.

I was almost done packing but I had to release my full bladder so I rushed to the toilet to relief myself. Next thing I knew, my cousins were outside the toilet door, softly knocking on it, asking me to speed up as they waited for their turn.

Suddenly the whole setting of the dream changed. The house was quiet and I was alone in the scene.

Not too long after, I could hear voices, voices of mom and dad. It was loud enough for me to distinguish their voices but wasn't clear enough for me to decipher what was being said.

It came from outside our apartment. It sounded like it was near the staircase in front of my lift lobby. From the look of it, I could tell this was in Singapore. It looked different from our current flat though.

I was scared mom and dad were fighting. Again. Growing up, I was no stranger to witnessing my parent's ugly and nasty tiffs. It wasn't a fair fight most of the time. It was mostly dad bullying mom.

I rushed to get the keys to unlock the lock on my front gate of our apartment door. I had to stop the fight. I had to make sure mom was ok. I had to pull them away from the prying eyes of the neighbours.

I had difficulty unlocking the lock cos I was in such hurry to open it and my hands were shaking at the same time.

While I was still attempting to unlock the lock, I saw a glimpse of my parent's backs. They were walking extremely slow... as though dragging themselves forward with each step. They seemed lifeless. What was shocking was that they had their pants down. Their back was facing me and I could see their naked butts. The brown skin of dad's and the milky white skin of mom's buttcheeks were stained with traces of blood from what looked like wounds from being mercilessly whipped. The skin from the wounds ripped open, revealing some flesh.

My heart stopped as I tried to make sense of it all... Mom and dad looked like they were walking down in humiliation and shame, with their heads bowed down and their shoulders slumped, with no trace of life nor energy in them. It looked like they were tortured.

I didn't know how I knew then.... maybe a voice in my head told me so. Telling me that mom and dad were being punished for their children's sins.

No. No.. It couldn't be. What the hell is going on?!!!! What on earth was happening?! I had to save them, I had to.

When I finally got the lock unlocked, i pulled the damn thing off the latch with such great force. "I have to save mom, I have to save mom," I told myself repeatedly, I was starting to lose my mind.

Mom was all I could think of. It's because the most important thing in the world for me is..mom. I told lotsa people before, I'd give up my life for mom and anyone who messes with mom is my enemy. I'd give up my life to protect her or take revenge on anyone who harm that woman.

"It's no point." I turned around when I heard the sudden voice. It was my sister. Her voice was void of emotions. It was as though she knew something that I didn't. Whatever it was, I could see it broke her to the point of numbness.

"What are you talking about?" I asked weakly. I stopped at my track, trying to study her and hoping for just someone to shed answers. "I'm trying to get mom," I told her.

"You can't," she replied calmly yet it was evident something was not quite right with her. It was as though she has lost her mind. "That's not mom. That's her soul."

(I'm crying again now... trying to continue this part. It was so vivid. It felt so real) I remembered feeling stunned beyond anything I ever felt before. I felt weak in the knees like I'd just collapse anytime.

"Mom is dead." The words came from my sister's mouth. My mouth was opened. I couldn't breathe. No. What...was going on. What the heck was going on.

"New York killed her. New York killed mom," came the bizzarre words from my sister. I couldn't understand what she was saying. Lotsa things were going through my head. Was mom killed in New York? What did she mean by NY killed her? Was there a war? Was there a terrorist attack?

I ran out and at a distance, I saw the faint vision of my parents still walking as though being tormented to walk around in public with their dignity and pride stripped.

I collapsed on the floor. I knew in my heart it was true, she was dead. I screamed. I screamed. I screamed. I screamed as loud as I can, hoping the pain in my heart could be taken away. I screamed. I was on the floor screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming. I just couldn't stop. I was deranged. I lost everything. I wanted to die. I screamed. I screamed. I screamed. I had flashes before my very eyes. Flashes of regrets. Of what a bad daughter I was to mom. Of how I hated my typical Asian upbringing cos that meant I couldn't bring myself to express my love to mom when she was alive. Ooh I had too much regrets. I screamed and screamed. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. My world has died, I didn't wanna live.

I had flashes in my head too of the times I told my friends that I could never recover back to the person I was before should I ever lose my mom. I screamed and beg God to let this be a nightmare. I screamed hoping to wake up but I didn't. I cried and begged God. I begged him to wake me up from my sleep. I begged and cried my heart out. I can't lose mom. I can't. I musn't. I'll forever be a shattered and souless person. I can't lose mom.

I screamed again, so hard, hoping my pain would ease...then I woke up. It has been 2 hours and I'm still in tears now.

The thought of losing my mom is too much for me to handle. Being away from her doesn't offer much comfort now.

I'm so glad it was a nightmare. I'm still crying and shakened. What was that, a bus full of relatives and family members about? Was it to a funeral? What does this dream mean? I'm too scared to think of possibilities.

Please, I would like to hear from you. I know I have some readers here on my blog. Drop me a line or two. Till then take care and well, let us all remember we aren't immortals. Love the people around you with all your heart...while you still have them in your life. I was lucky to be able to wake up from my nightmare. But one day... I might not be that lucky.