Do We Hardened Up As We Get Older?

As I get older, I realised not only do I have low tolerance for bullshit but I also tend to be less sympathetic and compassionate. I wonder why? Do we allow experiences to buıld up in us such that we have an invinsible layer of shield repelling anything from stirring our hearts?

I guess personally for me, as years go by, I realise the world isn't all it's made out to be. Santa Claus doesn't exist, mothers are abandoning their new born babies without a blink of an eye, that nice colleague at the corner isn't all that nice after countless attempts of stabbing your back, happy families mostly exist in Chinese dramas and nice guys (or gals) really do finish last.

Perhaps I learnt to be wiser as I get older, having experienced a chunk of what life has to offer but with that wisdom, I had to compromise my innocence and bright-eyed naivety - something which sugar coated my eyes about this world and not necessarily a bad thing.

When I was much younger, adults confused me. I used to wonder why they could be so heartless, stoic and unmoved. I remembered vowing not to grow up being one of them as I was proud of my sensitivity and compassion towards people. I remembered a family vacation trip to Indonesia back then. It was my first (and only) family vacation. I had grown up men and women on their knees begging me to buy some immitation Walt Disney necklaces from them. In Bahasa Indonesia, they told me they really needed to feed their kids back home, getting all misty-eyed. Though I knew the cheap material of the necklaces would leave a rash on my neck and the fact that I HATE Walt Disney characters, I gladly parted with my money and bought a bunch. I was happy to do so.

Then mom grabbed my wrist and told me to stop buying. Couple more of these sellers surrounded her, telling her their life stories. Looking annoyed, she just walked off dragging me along. I was angry with mom for being so unkind and rude. I even argued with her about it, it made no sense to me. I'd happily part with my money rather than buying pretty things for myself there. Bear in mind, we weren't well to do and I didn't really have much to spare.

Now in my late 20s, how things changed. Over a year here I've been in Istanbul and not once had I given a penny to the gypsies. Oh how they beg, how they sob and tell me their stories in Turkish (not that I understand), how they craddle their newborns in their dirty arms, offering a pungent smell everywhere they go but.. I still don't bulge with emotions. Sorry but I've learnt things about life that I've yet to when I was young and that is: sometimes it's a dog eat dog world and the weakest link DROWNS. I've experienced first hand how humans can be so evil and manipulative, preying on others' emotions for their gains. Though I don't see myself as a predator, I am not and refused to be taken as a prey.



XO,
V